Bradley Robertson

About two months ago I mentioned that I was trying to quit smoking. Flash forward 2 months and I still haven't fully quit. I went through the 8 week regimen of wearing the nicotine patch and was fine during most of that time. I had one cigarette after about 10 days, but it tasted horrible to me and made me a little sick so I figured that I was basically in the clear. But once I was on step 3 of the patch I started smoking Swisher Sweets in the evening (the grape flavored ones are my favorite). This has now expanded to having a couple of cigarettes during the day at work as well. I'm not beating myself up about this at all. In fact I see this as a small transition phase. Flash back about 10 years to when I started smoking and I was having a particularly hard time with life in general. I was hospitalized twice for suicidal tendencies. I used smoking as a crutch to help me deal with my anxiety and depression. And while I will be the first to admit it was not a healthy way to deal with my issues, it kept me alive. Which, when you think about it is a sick sort of contradiction.

Back to the present where I am having about as hard of a time as that summer. I am trying to use real medication and meditation to cope with my anxiety. However, nothing quit beats the relief a cigarette gives me, even if it is only for 10 minutes or so. I really didn't have much of an issue or cravings while I was on the patch. I think my body was getting just enough nicotine that I was able to deal with my anxiety a little better. However, since using my last patch I can't concentrate at work, I am mildly depressed, and just generally feel apathetic about most things. Just having a couple of smokes a day gives me a little relief from that. I know that I can quit smoking, and I plan on going back on the patch again. But until I can fix the issues that got me to start smoking I will have to accept that nicotine has won this first battle.